


The Process Of Grief

by GayAquarius



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Canonical Character Death, Childbirth, Death in Childbirth, F/F, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Multi, POV Female Character, POV First Person, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 13:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7978354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayAquarius/pseuds/GayAquarius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pearl goes through the 5 stages of grief upon hearing that Rose and her future child Steven cannot exist at the same time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Now

**Author's Note:**

> I imagine that when Rose got pregnant, she wasn't aware at the time that the pregnancy would essentially kill her. It's actually my girlfriend's headcanon that Steven had a particularly weird fetal position and shared her gem during the pregnancy, thus making it impossible for them to exist at the same time because Steven would have to take her gem to exist. I also imagine the birth wasn't like human births at all. If I had to guess, she was probably shrouded in light and then the light faded and left behind Steven. But that's just me. 
> 
> Greg and Rose are together here. Pearl is still in love with Rose. Thought I should clarify so that people don't go into this expecting mutually requited RosePearl and don't get it (although, to be honest, it would be even more tragic if it were requited given this ends in Rose's "death"). However, I do feel like the two have a history together, it's just not touched upon so much in this particular fic.

When I first arrived on earth, human beings fascinated me the way one would be fascinated about an entirely separate species. We were so _different,_ I thought. I may have projected a somewhat humanoid form, but I wasn't human, I thought. Not even close.

For example, humans function optimally with a good night's sleep, every single night. Humans who are sleep deprived tend to function at a lower level. It manifests itself in the form of crankiness, deliriousness, and more. Gems don't need sleep, ever. Humans also ideally need to eat several times a day. Their growling stomachs will serve to distract them if they skip meals, and if they go too long without eating, they'll _die._ Gems can eat, and some, like Amethyst, choose to. However, we aren't by any means required to, so I always stayed away from such a thing.

However, I didn't think the physiological differences were the only thing that set me apart from human beings. To me, the differences were psychological, as well. Human emotion only served to confuse me most of the time. Most of their actions, and reactions, made no sense. I thought that humans and their feelings were illogical. Silly. Perhaps even stupid, If I wanted to be blunt.

In retrospect, I find it ridiculous that I thought I was above all that. Rose proved I wasn't. She proved that, to my chagrin, that I was more human than I cared to admit.

Seeing her with Greg, and seeing how much he loved him, filled me with an overwhelming sense of... what do humans call it? Jealousy?

I thought to myself, _“Why is she choosing that human man over me? What does he provide to her that I don't?”_

I didn't get it. I still don't. Rose was Rose. She did what she wanted. I'd never get a proper explanation.

But what really brought out the human side within me, was not her loving Greg... it was the crushing realization that her time was finite due to her pregnancy with Steven.

I had seen so many gems get shattered on the battlefield. I was entirely familiar with death, both human and gem. I had practically become mechanical to it, as long as I was able to protect _her._ What I was not used to was seeing the one I loved most be doomed to an entirely unusual death, and being able to do nothing about it. Not being able to protect Rose, my love.

Being on this earth for so long has allowed me to learn a lot. I've seen the rise and fall of many theorists, including those in the psychological field. I've learned about many psychological theories, and realized which ones did and didn't apply to myself. Many applied to human lifespans, which I couldn't relate to. Some sounded like total nonsense... don't get me started on Freud.

One I related to was the five stages of grief. Apparently, humans go through five stages when faced with loss, or the knowledge of their own demise. Some cycle through all five in order. Some go back to stages they already experienced, or skip stages altogether. Some never reach the final stage of acceptance, and remain bitter and depressed.

Despite not being a human in the literal sense, I experienced all five with Rose, just like a human.

_Denial._

_Anger._

_Bargaining._

_Depression._

And finally... _acceptance._


	2. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The first reaction to learning about the terminal illness, loss, or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. “This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening,” people often think. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain."

Rose has gathered us all in the main room of the temple. Amethyst, Garnet, and I. All together, at once. It's not something that usually happens. It worries me. I'm often told that my worries are irrational, but it feels justified for once. It doesn't help that she isn't smiling. Her facial expression is entirely serious, and she looks... concerned.

Whatever she's about to say must be important if she's gathered us all together like this. She isn't one for formal meetings. She's a casual leader. She sees us as equal to her. She says things as they need to be said, and usually not in a group like this. My mind races with possibilities. Did we do something wrong? Are we not doing enough? None of my theories quite feel right, in this context.

She clears her throat, and her worn facial expression doesn't get any less tense.

“Hello, everyone.” We stare back at her, wordless. “I know I don't usually gather you all at once like this... but I have a reason.”

While she's saying this to all three of us, we make eye contact for a moment. Her dark eyes pierce through me. There's no light in them. I can't help but shudder. I avert my eyes, unable to maintain her gaze.

“As you know, Greg and I chose to have a child together. I'll spare you, and I won't repeat all the details of how I made that possible... but something is going very wrong.”

It's probably only a minute of silence that proceeds these words, but it feels like much longer. Of course, it's Garnet that speaks up. Cool and collected Garnet. Always knowing what to say, always knowing how to react. I envy her.

“What do you mean?” she asks. Another short pause. It's still too long.

“The fetus... who Greg and I chose to name Steven... is developing in a way that means we currently share a gem. He is developing from my gem, within the womb I shapeshifted. When he's born, he'll have my gem.”

“Wait a sec. I don't get it. If he shares your gem, what will happen to your gem when he's born?” Amethyst asks, with far more tact than normal. Even a gem as blunt as Amethyst knew when to dial it back a little. Despite that, when she asks this, Rose winces a little. It's as if Amethyst asked the very question Rose had been dreading hearing.

“That's the problem.” Rose practically whispers this, her voice far more quiet than usual. She closes her eyes, seeming to ponder how exactly to continue. She opens them again, and there's tears developing. “I didn't realize all the details originally, but Steven will be born half gem, half human... with my gem. He'll have my gem. When he's born, he'll have the very Rose Quartz gem I do. And that means...”

Rose stops. She can't bear to finish her thought. She doesn't need to. We all know where she's going with it. A tear drips down her cheek. Silence overpowers the room. Nobody knows what to say, how to react. The reality of the situation is sinking in for all of us.

I break the silence... with laughter. A strained, almost manic giggle.

“Pearl?” Rose asks. She tilts her head to the side, clearly mystified as to why I was laughing at a time like this. “Why are you...”

“Rose... oh, Rose... I didn't know you had such a morbid sense of humor!” I exclaim, my laughter turning to tears. “Don't... don't you know better than to joke about such a thing? You really had me worried!” I keep laughing, through tears.

“Pearl...”

“It's okay,” I say, catching my breath, ceasing my laughter. “I'll wait for you to tell us this is all a ridiculous, terrible prank you're pulling on us. That's what humans call it, right? A prank. That's what this is, right?”

I look at her expectantly, waiting for her to laugh. Waiting for her to tell me that I'm right, that I'm a clever gem for seeing through her ruse. Waiting for her to apologize for scaring us all, and especially me, in such an awful way. I keep looking at her.

She says nothing, and simply shakes her head.


	3. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry."

At this point, the weight of her confession left Rose unable to stand. She sits down on the couch. Her breathing was unsteady. We remain standing, watching her.

“I know... I know this is a lot to take in. I know that in times like this, the reaction is to want to place blame on something... anything. I understand. Really, I do! But please... don't blame anyone. This is a tragedy that no one wanted. It's nobody's fault.”

_Nobody's fault._

I know lots of English. Over the course of human history, I had witnessed lots of people speak to each other using a wide variety of words, all with unique meaning. I have quite a wide vocabulary of words to express myself. In this moment, the only human word I can think that accurately describes how I feel is one that's considered a “curse word”, as humans call it: _bullshit._

Absolute and utter bullshit.

“Excuse me,” I say.

I walk away. I head towards my room. I hear the conversation continue as I remove myself from it.

“Shouldn't someone go after her?” Amethyst asks in a strained voice.

“Don't. She's coping with it in her own way. If she needs time alone, then so be it,” Rose answers. _Oh, Rose... she always knew me so well..._

The door closes behind me... and then the tears fall.

Rose said that it was “nobody's fault”. That we shouldn't blame anyone. My red hot fury disagrees. Rose was always the diplomat. Of _course_ she doesn't want us to assign blame. She probably thinks that in a time like this, blaming someone or something for the way things turned out would be counteractive.

I don't care. Not one bit.

I'll assign blame if I want to. Nobody can stop me. No, not even Rose.

I blame Greg, for becoming romantically involved with Rose to begin with. If he hadn't done so, this wouldn't be happening. If she had chosen to be with _me_ instead, we wouldn't have reproduced together, and it would have been fine. We could have continued to live... together. Of course that disgusting, unintelligent human had to convince her that it would be fine to go against gem nature and have a child with her despite them being different species.

I blame the unborn child... Steven, as Rose calls him, for being destined to replace Rose. It isn't rational, and yet, I hate him with every fiber of my being. He'll never replace Rose. He'll never even come _close._ Nobody could replace Rose, and especially not someone who is half Greg... absolutely not. Never.

I blame the logistics of gems reproducing with human males. Birth among humans is a standard event, one that happens constantly around the world. It's not unheard of for the mother to die while giving birth, but it's far from a guarantee. Pregnancy is not inherently a death sentence for humans like it is for Rose. Why are humans able to become pregnant, give birth, and live alongside their offspring, while Rose isn't?

For just a second, I blame Rose too. While Greg wanted the child too, it was her decision as well. It was her choice to shapeshift her body to mimic the female reproductive system and to follow through with her desire. It's on her that she didn't think it through more, knowing that gems have never reproduced with a human male before and that we didn't know what would happen if one tried.

I knew logically that if I blamed Greg, Steven, and the entire concept of how gems and humans reproduced, that it's only fair to also blame Rose. She had just as much part in this as everything else, after all. However, I can't. I just can't stay mad at Rose, even now.


	4. Bargining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief."

I'm not sure how long I stayed in my room. I lost track of time. With time, my anger fizzles out and fades into grief. I realize that my frantic attempts at assigning blame were a farce. I wanted to cover up the devastation I felt within. After a while of letting the rage consume me, it chewed me up and spat me back out, leaving behind a hollow shell.

It isn't until Rose visits me in my room that I'm revitalized. She sits by my hunched over figure, gently resting her hand on my back.

“Pearl?”

I spring up, back into life.

“Rose!” I catch my breath, looking into her sad eyes. “It doesn't have to be this way! I'm sure of it! There _has_ to be some way you can exist at the same time as Steven... I know it! I'll figure out a way, I swear! I-” I'm almost out of breath by the time she interrupts me.

“Pearl... I know you're upset, but denial isn't going to help.” She smiles at me. It's a pitying smile. Earlier, it would have fit. Now, it feels like the wrong way to react.

“I'm not in denial, Rose. We hardly know anything about gem and human reproduction. I'm sure there's something we don't know. I'm sure there's a way he doesn't have to steal your gem and erase you out of existence... I know it!” She pitying smile fades into her previously concerned expression.

“Don't waste your time, Pearl. It's going to be okay. And don't think of Steven as 'stealing' my gem. I'm passing it on. You'll always have me. I'll be a part of Steven.” With the hand that remained on my shoulder, she pulls me into her, giving me a comforting embrace. I appreciate her touch, but disregard her words.

“It's not good enough, Rose,” I whisper as the embrace ends. She goes from kneeling to sitting on my floor. Rose is no longer looking at me. “I'll find a way to keep you here. I promise you.”

“Don't make promises you can't keep,” she replies. There's the slightest edge to her voice, but she maintains her composure. It isn't like Rose to snap, even if I'm frustrating her right now.

I just need to try harder to help her see the truth.

“I don't make promises I can't keep. I'd never do that to you, Rose. I'm going to do everything I can to figure something out. Then you and Steven will both be on this earth, together! You'll be able to hold your child and watch him grow up, and I... I mean everyone who loves you... won't have to lose you! Why won't you let me help you?” My voice goes from upbeat and full of hope to panicked. Rose stands up.

“If doing that will help you feel better, then I won't stop you... just don't consider it a promise, just in case you can't keep it.” There's a deliberate steadiness in her voice. “I'll leave you be, now.”

As she turns on her heels and walks away, I yell out, “You'll see, Rose!”

She didn't respond to this, but I didn't need her to.


	5. Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined."

Months have passed since Rose's announcement. Her belly has rapidly expanded with new life. New life that would kill her any day now.

I failed her.

I did everything I could. Unfortunately, no information existed on reproduction between a human male and a gem. No matter how far back in history I researched, it had never happened. What Rose was doing would be a first in gem history. There was nothing to go by.

I researched everything I could about human reproduction, and tried to extrapolate what I learned to apply to the situation at hand. Nothing helped. Whenever I tried something new, Rose's reaction was to look at me with a pained expression and shake her head. My options were limited, because she didn't want me to do anything that could potentially damage the fetus, but I did what I could. For a while, I kept trying. My determination to prove her wrong and to save her burned within me. Unfortunately, determination by itself isn't enough to do anything of use.

When I made my final attempt to try something to save her and it didn't work yet again, she didn't react in her usual way. She didn't wordlessly shake her head at me with disapproving eyes. She put her hand on my shoulder, and looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes. I couldn't read what she was feeling. I couldn't look at her anymore. I stared at the ground.

She told me, “Pearl, I know you're trying very hard to save me, and I love you for it. I really do. I let you do it because I knew if you didn't try, you'd blame yourself for not doing more. You'd wonder if there's something you could have done to save my life, and it would eat away at you. That's how you are, and there's nothing wrong with it. But, you've done everything you know how. It's not your fault that you can't stop the inevitable. Please, give it a rest.”

I was still determined. Still unable to accept what she described as an inevitable fate.

“Please don't give up, Rose. Don't lose faith in me. I can still do somet-” It was unlike Rose to cut me off, but she did. She put a finger to my mouth, silencing me. She had enough of my blind, unwavering faith. She put my false hope to rest.

“Enough, Pearl. You've done all you can.”

I didn't want to accept this. I wanted to think that there was a solution to this problem I hadn't discovered yet, and that if I tried hard enough, I'd find it. However, as much as it hurt, Rose had a point. I did everything I knew how. I analyzed the situation from every possible angle. Tried things not because I had high hopes they'd work, but because I _had_ to try.

She was right. I was out of options. Although she stressed that it wasn't my fault, I still maintain the mindset that I failed her in the worst way, that I'm just a useless Pearl.

In recent times, Rose no longer served her typical role in gem missions due to her pregnancy. It made sense. On top of the upcoming tragedy already coming, she didn't want anything to happen to Steven. It felt like everything she's done in recent times is for his sake, since soon he'll be all that's left of her. Although I hadn't accepted the fact that he'd be replacing Rose, I understood where she where she was coming from.

Her stepping out from gem missions made it easy to avoid her. Ever since she told me to give up hope, I did. It was too painful to face her after she dashed any last hopes I had. I knew deep in my heart I'd regret it, but it whenever I tried to talk to her, something pulled me away. I felt unworthy of being in her presence at times. It didn't matter how much she told me that it wasn't my fault. I kept feeling like a failure.

However, when she calls us together for another “meeting”, I'm forced to face my fears. Like the original announcement of her upcoming demise, it's held in the main room of the temple. All of us stand together, doing our best to hold it together in these pressing times.

Unlike the rest of us, Rose is sitting down on the couch. The pregnancy had been taking a toll on her body, despite the body itself merely being an illusion. Even gems, with all of our powers, struggle with the act of carrying our offspring, it seems. Just like humans.

“Hello, everyone,” Rose says, trying to force a bit of cheer in her voice. It does nothing to help the dreary atmosphere. “I just wanted to talk a bit about what's coming.”

She talks about her fate without issue, or so it seemed. I guess all the months leading up to this point gave her time to come to terms with it. I wish I could say the same.

She takes a deep breath, and continues with, “To be honest, I'm not sure how the birth itself will work. Because I'm giving up my physical form for Steven, I can't imagine it'll be like a typical birth. I don't know what to expect. But, if it's okay with all of you, I'd much rather just be with Greg when the time comes.”

I'm speechless. Our bond may have been special, but it made sense that she came to this conclusion. There's nothing to say after avoiding for her for so long. Typical Amethyst style, Amethyst breaks the silence.

“Why can't we be there?” There's anger in her voice, but it sounds like more of a facade than anything.

“Amethyst, this preference of mine certainly doesn't come from a place of not caring. I hope you can understand. I just don't see how it would benefit any of you to witness me disappear. Besides, like I said, I don't know how it's going to happen. For all we know, it could be gruesome. I certainly wouldn't want that to be the last memory of your leader that you have burned into your heads.”

“But Rose-”

Garnet, who stands in the center of Amethyst and I, raises her hand at Amethyst. It's meant to silence her, and surprisingly, it works.

“Amethyst, the least we can do for Rose in this time is allow her to experience the end in the way she chooses. We must simply appreciate the time we have left with her.” Garnet's voice, which usually is steady, shakes a bit as she says this. Defeated, Amethyst solemnly nods.

“I guess you're right, G.” I look over and see tears in Amethyst's eyes. I feel the tears in my own eyes as well.

“Anyway, that's all I have to say,” Rose says. After more silence, the other two go back to their rooms. I stay. I sit down next to Rose on the couch.

“Rose...” I clear my throat. “I'm so sorry I've been avoiding you. That's my fault. I couldn't handle the fact that I failed. It made it too hard to be around you.”

“There's no need to apologize, Pearl. I'm not mad.” She's smiling, but her eyes still look sad. “You didn't fail. You did everything you could. It's not your fault.”

I wish Rose's words did more for me. I want to believe she's right, that I'm not a failure, but it's hard to see it any other way. My throat is in knots and I take a few deep breath before continuing.

“Rose... I want to be with you when the time comes,” I whisper. If I talk any louder, I'll break down crying. I know I will.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Now, my voice is starting to squeak. “I'd never forgive myself if I didn't get to spend your last minutes with you.” Tears begin to fall. I couldn't avoid it forever.

“I understand. I'll just have to ask Greg, but I'm sure I can convince him. But if you decide you can't, you're not obligated. Either way I'll understand. I know you love me, Pearl, and that's all that matters.”

Even though she feels this way, I don't. As painful as it might be, it would hurt more for her to go without me.


	6. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing."

Greg agreed to let me be present during Steven's birth. He protested at first, but Rose was able to convince him that we had a special bond, one that far predates his birth. Given the details, it was hard for him to say no.

Calling my current state of mind “acceptance” doesn't feel entirely accurate, but I have no choice. Steven's birth will be coming any day now. It's only a matter of time.

Greg has been doting on Rose for the past week. Anything she wants, he'll do in an instant, no questions asked. It's clear that he loves Rose in general, but there's no reason not to yield to her every whim when her time is running out. Her requests weren't unreasonable nor were they phrased like demands. Typical Rose.

Right now, the two are taking a nap on the couch. I never saw the appeal of sleep, so I sit by them, silent. Garnet and Amethyst are on a mission. As much as I want to help them, I can't leave Rose. I need to be here it's time.

I don't know how the birth will look. My research of human births was gruesome, to say the least. There's always screaming, cursing, and blood. While I'm not sure what to expect, I can't imagine gem births are the same. Because we're not humans. Even though we look like humans, that's not what we are.

That's why, when Rose wakes up Greg and says “It's time” in a calm, even voice, I'm not surprised. If she were human, she'd be writhing in pain, barely able to move. Since she's a gem, she can calmly acknowledge that it was time to give birth, and subsequently, to no longer exist.

I wish I was that calm.

Greg and I are both silent. There's nothing to say to this. We look at each other for a moment, and the heartbreak in Greg's eyes is real. As much as I may resent him, I feel his pain. While our history with Rose is different, we're both going to be affected by what's about to happen, more than either of us could put into words.

We follow Rose into her room. She materializes something similar to a hospital bed with the clouds. She lays on it. Greg is on one side, I'm on the other. We both take one of her hands.

“I love you both. Please take care of Steven,” Rose says.

“Thank you for choosing to be with me, and thank you for staying with me, Rose. I love you more than I can put into words,” Greg says. While I feel a sense of bitterness at his exact words, now isn't the right time to let those thoughts fester. I push them out of my brain, for Rose.

“I love you, Rose. Goodbye,” I whisper. I wish I could hold back my tears, but I can't anymore.

I realize that I can't look. While I'm not sure what this will look like, and I'm glad I'm here, I can't witness the process of my love being erased from existence. Greg continues to look at Rose. He's stronger than I am. I shut my eyes.

I'm not sure how much time passes, but I know she's gone when the hand that grasped hers closes into a fist. Her body is no longer present. This much I know. But I still can't open my eyes.

“Steven,” I hear Greg coo. “Oh, Steven...” He no longer can stay strong. Now that his beloved is no longer here, he lets loose his sobs. They're ugly, unrestrained. I open my eyes.

Greg is holding Steven close to him, like he's a precious jewel. I suppose in a way, he is.

Truth be told, I don't reach acceptance at this time. I was forced to accept Rose's absence, but the process of _actually_ accepting it was a lot more messy than that.

With time, I learn to love Steven. Rose's absence would always leave a void in my life. There is never a day where I don't wish she were still here. There's not a day where I don't resent the process of gem reproduction. There's not a day where I don't wish I could have done more, even if it's "not my fault". However, when I look into Steven's eyes, I realize she'll always be here, in a way.

To this day, it still hurts, and I can't pretend it'll ever stop hurting. Maybe that's the best I can do.

Maybe that's okay.


End file.
